Contrary to last week, I’ve decided the U’s are in fact the best team on planet earth and we will probably still make our way into a playoff hunt. Hope everyone’s okay with that. Here’s what’s been happening to all the other poor, winless bastards around the league.
- Knowing me, knowing Johnno
Week 29 of the season started with the return of Alan Partridge to the BBC after 24 years. Meanwhile in sunny Cleethorpes, a new challenger to the Partridge throne emerged as Steve Jackson made his season debut, covering for United legend and commentary stalwart Mark Johnson. To say it was cringe would be an understatement. To say you couldn’t tell what was going on the pitch, more so. Such classic Jacksonisms, as we are coining them, from Saturday included:
“That’s the Findus Stand. In the land of frozen food, fish pays top dollar, doesn’t it?”
“Harrison Dunk is so controlled. He passes the ball like a golfer.”
“Dunk is looking older than when I last saw him”
“Taft’s hair gel 1 Grimsby Town 0”
“There’s a Colgate ring around that back four and Mitov is the toothbrush”
Deegan being “more beard than man” was also a particular highlight. Please come back Johnno. All is forgiven.
- The Taft
Don’t really think we need to say much more than this. Referring to yourself as ‘The Taft‘ is absolutely elite behaviour. It also seems the U’s winning streak at home is down to Portuguese chicken. Build a Nandos in the Main Stand if you bloody have to.
- Meanwhile at the bottom…
There were two huge six pointers on Saturday. Port Vale took their woeful form and pissed off fans to Notts County, whilst Yeovil (who I will not believe are better than us in a million years) hosted Morecombe. County and Vale sounded as terrible as you’d expect, finishing goalless. Meanwhile, Yeovil made it back to back wins with an 87th winner in a 5 goal thriller. Of course they did. Macclesfield, unsurprisingly, went down to a 3-0 pasting at Bury. The same result being something we can look forward to in a fortnight’s time when we visit Gigg Lane.
United’s unexpected win coupled with some other favourable results means we are now 9 points clear of the bottom two. If Notts and Macclesfield continue on their current points per game ratio we’ll be safe. Luckily, it seems we may have chosen to be shite the one season where both relegation spots are taken by teams in administration. Great shout, that.
Either way, a couple more wins and we can start dreaming about that summer clear out…
- Azeezy-peezy
There were two guarantees when Ade Azeez left this January:
- We’d all be talking about his first (and subsequent, every) goal he scored for his new club and every other club for the rest of his career.
- Said first goal would be fucking terrible.
Mr Azeez grabbed his first in the yellow and black of Newport in their 2-0 home win over Carlisle. The goal, which looked both offside and an own goal, proved that Ade has been working on his finishing from two yards. Prior to Saturday, Azeez had played a grand total of 28 minutes for Newport since we conned them into parting with their cash for him.
- U’s in the news
As new Coulson was missing a chance to grab a third at Blundell Park, original Coulson marked his return from injury with a goal for Orient. The East London club are right in the Conference play-off picture, sitting third. Meanwhile, in the shithole that is the Premiership, John Ruddy made his first Premier League start in three years as Wolves cruised to a 2-0 win over Cardiff. Will Norris was an unused sub in that fixture. Double U’s in a Premiership side, who would’ve thunk it.
- Around the world
- If by now you haven’t seen Jack Grealish’s lovely, precise and powerful finish for Villa at the weekend, what have you been doing?
- This cheeky little bastard is currently being applauded by almost the entire nation.
- If you get a chance, go watch the highlights of Napoli vs Juve. One of those games with absolutely everything.
Under The Abbey Stand 
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