Southend P-P United: A Match Report, of Sorts

So after Southend’s selfish (and hopefully foolish, if the EFL finally show a bit of balls) decision to chicken out of taking on the mighty U’s on Saturday we thought we’d play the game anyway, via the medium of Football Manager, to try and imagine what might have been.

Sticking with the tried and tested lineup from this season, minus the injured Kyle Knoyle, we went with a 4-4-1-1 formation with Wes in the hole behind Mullin. Of course, we don’t know anything about Southends bunch of no-hopers, other than they were all injured, or knocked out by a perculiar strain of the ‘rona that allowed them to train for a match three days later, so we just picked the shittest players they had in their squad, to try and replicate what they would have played, if they had been bothered

It took the U’s 25 minutes to get on the score sheet, with who else but Paul Mullin breaking the deadlock (he’s wearing the number 9 shirt here, but it’s definitely not Andy Dallas)

Half-time saw the U’s go in 1-0 up, and they clearly learned the lesson of Barrow the other week, as they got off to a flying restart, pressing Southend and forcing a corner on 56. Wes Hoolahan put it in, Greg Taylor got his head on it, 2-0. Who said this game wasn’t realistic?

A minute later, Luke Hannant picked the ball up on the wing, another fine cross found Harrison Dunk, leaping majestically over the crap Shrimpers defence to nod in United’s third.

With the game dying out, it was left to Digby and Hoolahan to play a neat one-two, teeing up Adam May to have a crack from distance, which flew past the hapless Southend keeper to make it 4-0.

So, The EFL, if you’re reading this, you know what to do. Award us a 4-0 win, deduct Southend a tonne of points and accelerate their eventual relegation. Don’t make us play it again, because this being United, we’ll probably lose.

Virtual Man of the Match: Greg Taylor. Fair play, virtual Greg. Fair play.

Soundtrack of the Match:

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