In light of United’s game against millionaires plaything Salford taking place this afternoon, we decide for once and for all, who’s the best member of the ‘Class of 92’.
In the red corner we have one-dimensional midfielder and peaky blinders-loving clotheshorse David Beckham. In the blue corner, cultured defender Andy Duncan. Let the match commence.
Duncan: a solid set of curtains. No points
Beckham: various, including curtains, a mohawk, some buzzcut thing and a skinhead. We’ll give this one to Beckham, one point.
Result: Duncan 0 Beckham 1
2. Promotions won from the Third Division
Duncan: Almost ever present during United’s 1998/99 season, Duncans trophy cabinet has the crown jewel of a Third Division promotion winners medal. One Point.
Beckham: No promotions won. No points.
Result: Duncan 1 Beckham 1
3. Games won at Hillsborough
Duncan: A rock at the heart of the U’s defence against Sheffield Wednesday in 1998, Duncan was part of a famous victory in the League Cup. One point.
Beckham: It took Beckham five seasons to finally vanquish the mighty Sheffield Wednesday, eventually winning there once, in 2000. One point.
Result: Duncan 2 Beckham 2
4: World Cups Lost For England
Duncan: Duncan never cost his country the World Cup. One point.
Beckham: Beckham cost England the World Cup on two occasions, firstly with his petulant kick in 1998, and again four years later by shirking a tackle on Ronaldinho against Brazil, who would go on to win the tournament. Minus two points.
Result: Duncan 3, Beckham 0
Duncan: Andy Duncan stayed with United through two successive relegations, and played on until his fortieth Birthday, trying to keep United afloat in the Conference. Two points, one per relegation.
Beckham: Beckham moved on from Manchester United to join Spanish side Real Madrid, where he failed to win much other than one League title despite being part of the most expensively assembled club side the world had ever seen, then on to LA Galaxy where he didn’t win any trophies that any normal fan would care about, AC Milan where he won even less, and finally PSG where he won the French League because every other team in Ligue 1 has a budget of about fifty grand a year. No points for loyalty here, Becks.
6. Attitude to Road Safety
Duncan: Once Duncan’s glittering Cambridge career came to an end he dedicated his life to road safety, training as a driving instructor for Cambridgeshire residents, helping hundreds of teenagers pass their driving tests and drive safely. One point.
Beckham: A habitual offender, Beckham has previously lost his licence for speeding and using his mobile phone whilst driving. A terrible example to young people, and the kind of menace that should, in all honesty, probably be locked up. No points (unlike his driving licence, which has twelve).
Final Result: Duncan 6, Beckham 0
A comprehensive win for Andy Duncan then, a real United legend. Beckham on the other hand fades back into obscurity as part-owner of a glorified Conference side.